If anyone listens to Garrison Keillor - Here's his favorite joke. Mine too...

ONE PENGUIN SAYS TO THE OTHER PENGUIN, "YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOU'RE WEARING A TUXEDO."
THE OTHER PENGUIN SAYS, "HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT WEARING A TUXEDO."

Hear the one about the Texas rancher passing through Sylacauga one day and going down 231? He noticed Ed Murphree plowing a field along side of the highway. Ed had just taken a break from the plowing and walked over to the fence for a dipper of water. The Texas rancher pulled over and walked up to Ed and said, "Excuse me sir, is this your spread?" Ed said, "Yes Sir! this here's my property...it runs along this fence up 'er by that big Oak tree, down that creek, and back around by that pond to this fence." The Texas rancher stepped back and said, "What! you call that a spread! Why, I can get in my car there in Texas at six o'clock in the morning and drive until six o'clock in the evening AND STILL BE ON MY PROPERTY!" Ed said, "Yeah, I know what'cha mean...I had a car like that one time myself!"

Texan moves to Alaska. The locals just flat WON'T accept him, so he's in a bar one night, drunk and despondent, when he asks the bartender to PLEASE tell him how to be accepted as an Alaskan.

Bartender says it's really pretty simple: "All you have to do is rassle a polar bear and make love to an Eskimo."

Drunk Texan takes off out the door, coming back thirty minutes later with scratches and cuts from one end to the other, and his clothes barely hanging on him, and says to the bartender:

"Now whurs 'at Eskimo I'm 'sposed to rassle?"

A Termite goes into a Saloon and asks, "Is the Bartender here?"

A guy goes into a Bar with a set of Jumper Cables. The Bartender says, "You can come in here - Just don't start anything."

A traveling salesman goes up to a farm house to see if he can spend the night. The farmer says, "You can spend the night - but I don't have any daughters."
The traveling salesman says, "How far is it to the next farm house?"

Two cows in a field, one says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease? I'm beginning to worry." The other cow says...."... it don't bother me, I'm a helicopter."

Somebody please explain the mad cow disease and helicopter joke to me.

A Helicopter made mad love to a mad cow without an utter.

Kid went to school one day. The teacher says, "Where were you yesterday, Johnny? You didn't come to school." He said, "I had to take the cow to the bull to get her bred." "Couldn't your daddy have done that?" "No m'am. It has to be a bull."

Two fellows traveling through the country, one turned to the other and said, "Nice bunch of cows", the other fellow said "HERD", Heard what?, "Herd of cows", "Of course I've heard of cows", "No, cow herd", "What do I care what a cow heard?" "Nice bunch of cows" "I just said that dummy".

A cow walks into a bull pen and says:

"Hey! How about a little service here!"

The animals of the jungle are playing a football game. They choose up sides and when they kickoff the Rhinocerous takes the ball and runs for a touchdown. The Rhino tackles so hard and makes the other team fumble and runs so many touchdowns that at half-time the score is 63-0.
The second half starts and the Rhino takes the ball and runs to the 50 Yard Line and is hit so hard that he is knocked out and fumbles the ball. When they roll him over, there's a Centipede lying under him smiling. The Centipede's team hoists him on their shoulders and parade him around the field and they all shout, "Where were you the first half?"
The Centiped said, "Lacing up my football shoes!"

Young bull in the pasture with the cows when farmer unloads his new breeding bull. The young bull runs out toward the new bull and starts pawing the ground. The cows holler ..... are you crazy, that bull will tear you apart. The young bull says, I just want him to know that I'm not a cow.

The cow that thought he was a helicopter already had mad cow disease, cubby....... you see, she thought she was a helicopter........get it, cubby...... nevermind, I'm just a bartender.

Lathan and I have the same joke book.......

Or the same bartender...

Uh, speaking of bartenders...

A guy walks into a piano bar, sits down by the piano and orders a drink. He's listening to the piano player and enjoying the music. The piano player takes a break and the guy pulls a small man about a foot tall out of his coat pocket and places him on the piano. This little guy is fantastic! He begins running up and down the piano keys playing the boogie woogie and other songs. When the regular piano player comes back from break, he picks the little guy up and puts him back into his pocket. The guy sitting next to him is amazed. He says, "Where in the world did you find that little guy?" The other guy tells him that he found a genie lamp down on the beach, rubbed it, a genie appeared and granted him his wish. The guy sitting next to him says, "Geez, I sure would like to make a wish, if at all possible..."
The other guy says there are 2 more wishes left, so go down to the beach, right by the pier and dig in the sand by the last post holding the pier. The guy jumps straight up and runs out the door. About 45 minutes later the guy comes back to the bar and there are ducks all over him, ducks in the sky, ducks on the street...everywhere you look there are ducks. The guy with the little man said, "Well, how did it go?" The other guy said, "Man, I don't think that genie hears too good...I asked for a million bucks and look at this...all these ducks!" The guy with the little man said, "Yeah, I know what you mean. You don't really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"

NOW...the bartender (Whose mama raised NO fools!) hears the story, realizes there is still ONE wish left, rushes off down to the pier and asks for seventeen sturgeons.

HAR! HAR! HAR!

I had to have my appendix taken out and told my doctor I wanted to perform the operation.
He said, "Suture Self."

Did you hear the joke about the bed?

It hasn't been made up yet...(grammar school 1949)

"...seventeen sturgeons..."

Get it?

CUBBY, ARE YOU AWAKE?

Well, I probably would have asked for seventeen oars...

HAR! HAR! HAR!

I'm with Cubby! An "experienced" oar is better than a "first-time" sturgeon any day!!!!!

Anyone else interested in Gunsmoke DVD's?

Chuck

I already watched two CD's and They are great! I was gonna tell a good joke but Oner shut me down.
MVB ES

Funny stuff, Boys and Girls! Har! Har! Har!